Worse Ways to Go
Dromedon Minor A stony yellow shepard moon, this pock-marked body is connected to the vastly larger Dromedon Major by a corridor of shared atmosphere. On the surface, the haze at the horizon is quite thick, causing the edges of Dromedon Minor to fade into a yellowish fuzz. Feldspar rifts stretch east to west along the moon's equator, the largest of which plummets down several kilometers. It is not uncommon to see shrikebats -- which came over from Dromedon Major -- cruising on the thermals that form within it. Embedded with outcroppings of chromium and iron, the tortured moon's horizontal strata buckles up on itself, forming miles of undulating patterns. When hit by the setting of the system's star, the alternating patterns of vivid red and golden yellow give the appearance of flames stretching up into the atmosphere. Contents: Barkida Kup has connected. Blurr transforms at a depressingly average speed into a hovercar. Why the Olympic commitee decided to have the amazonian-esque Barkida fight the former speedster Blurr on Dromedon Minor, is anyone's guess. Why they appointed Backfire to judge it? That's even more confusing. Plopping down a large desk next to a chair, the Seeker simpleton places a placard and microphone down on top. "Fools, neither one of these combatants deserve the spotlight.. especially not that emo-speedfreak. Bah." Sitting down at the desk, Backfire leans back in his chair and patiently awaits their arrivals. Blue Hovercar Blurr zips along towards the designated battle arena. At least, he's going a bit faster than your typical sports car, which is to say he's going far too slow for his own tastes. He speaks to himself as he drives. "Don't know why I signed up for this." He speaks at a normal speed, but mostly that means he's talking way too long. "I mean, I'm not much of a warrior and I don't have any melee weapons. But I guess I do need to learn to be a warrior, since I'm not much of a messenger anymore." He sighs. "But I'd really rather still be a courier." Even if. You know. Transformers usually just use the radio. He arrives at the field of battle and transforms, not realizing that he's just been proving the simple Seeker's point about being 'emo.' Blurr transforms at a depressingly average speed into robot mode. The finals! It is only the Lightweight category, but the Cybertronians have dominated these games for so many years that Barkida feels an intense sense of pride even making it this far. She pulls up on the reins and brings her chariot to a halt, six-legged ungulates snorting and tossing their frills of venomous spines as she comes to a halt just outside the arena. She raises her hand to the audience and dismounts, handing off the reins to a trilaterally symmetrical green alien who looks sort of like a cactus. "I dedicate this battle to all freedom-loving living beings!" she declares, stepping out into the arena with a bundle of javelins. "Ah, look who shows up.. geez, what's wrong? Never *snicker* been late before, have you?" Backfire chides, standing up at the desk. Upon Barkida's grand entrance, "Subtle." the Seeker facepalms. Walking from around the desk, he approches both the combatants and waves his hands foward for them to meet in the middle. "I ... BACKFIRE, your respected judge for this event.. ha, if you wanna call it that. Uhh, yeah. Glorious Gladiatorial combat will go down, no matter how -pathetic- you two are. If you cretins.." he pauses to look down Barkida, "Don't know what gladiatorial means? It means you can only make punchy stuffs, no lasers or bombs! Now, try to give a good show for the crowd?" Blurr gives Backfire a sour frown. "'Respected'?" he asks, disbelieving. "And yes I know what gladiatorial means! It doesn't just mean punchy stuff, either, it also means bashy stuff and smashy stuff and slicy stuff! Anyway..." he turns towards Barkida and actually bows. "That sounds like a good dedication. Should we get started?" "I know very well the gladiatrix's art!" Barkida declares, tossing back her shorn and laurel-wreathed head haughtily. She selects one javelin and drives the others into the ground in a bundle to make them available throughout the match. "Defend yourself, machine-man! I fight for the glorification of the First One!" Balancing the javelin lightly in her right hand, she pivots on her sandalled toe and flings it across the arena towards her foe! Combat: Barkida sets her defense level to Aggressive. Combat: Barkida misses Blurr with her Javelin Toss attack! -3 Blurr is no longer the speedster he once was, but he's still rather agile, and he's bene training! He dives forward and hits the ground, rolling to come back to his feet. "And I fight for... well... for... well, because I'm supposed to! But I have to say, I don't feel happy about fighting an organic!" He runs towards Barkida, lacking any ranged melee weapons, and attempts to deliver a simple punch to the Amazon's mid-section. Combat: Blurr misses Barkida with his Punch attack! Gasket and Grommet has arrived. "Put your feelings aside!" exhorts Barkida as Blurr comes at her. "Don't shame me by going easy on me!" She leans to the right as his punch comes in and comes back with an outside swing of her left arm, aiming to smash him down with her buckler while she draws her sword. Combat: Barkida misses Blurr with her Shield Bash (Kick) attack! Blurr leaps back to avoid the buckler, then steps forward onto his left leg in order to bring the right up in a kick. "Shame you? I wouldn't want to do that! I'll do my best, I've been doing my best, I just don't feel happy about doing my best here!" Barkida catches the kick on her shield, her sword clearing the scabbard with a musical ring. "If not for pleasure, then for duty!" She touches the flat of the satin black blade to her forehead in veneration and comes out from behind her shield with a lunging downward thrust aimed for the gap between Blurr's neck and shoulder. Combat: Barkida sets her defense level to Fearless. Combat: Barkida strikes Blurr with her Deep Lunge attack! Combat: Barkida's attack has strange and mysterious effects on Blurr. Blurr is struck between shoulder and neck, causing him to stumble backwards and severing some of his motor systems! His self-repair systems are working on correcting the problem, but in the meantime he seems noticably clumsier than before. "Right. Duty. I can do duty. Watch me duty!" he mutters, darting towards Barkida's left. He twists, trying to send an elbow towards the Femaxian, but to move this way, he puts himself in easier reach of her weapon. Combat: Blurr sets his defense level to Aggressive. Combat: Blurr misses Barkida with his Elbow (Punch) attack! Barkida pulls her sword out, stepping back out of the way of the elbow's arc (slower than usual due to the injury, no doubt) and steps back in, thrusting her gladius low for the belly with a "Hah!" Combat: Barkida misses Blurr with her Belly Stab attack! -1 Snoring in his seat, Backfire accidentally tips over and falls to the ground. Getting up, he rubs his temple. "You two lameducks still goin' at it? Sheesh, shoulda knew this would happen." Blurr jumps backwards and out of the way of Barkida's strike, arms flailing wildly as he avoids the attack. "Hah? What's so funny?" he asks, confused, as he tries to duck inside the sword's reach, aiming an uppercut towards Barkida's chin. Combat: Blurr sets his defense level to Fearless. Combat: Blurr strikes Barkida with his Uppercut (Punch) attack! "I'm glad you're feeling more confident!" Barkida replies, popping her neck with a tilt of her head as she recovers from the blow. "I would feel sorry for defeating an opponent who lacked at least a little fighting spirit!" She kicks out with her right foot (as it's the one protected with a manica) to try to knock Blurr to the ground so that she can stab him with her gladius. Combat: Barkida strikes Blurr with her Kick and Thrust attack! -1 Blurr is knocked to the ground and stabbed. Pinned again! His optics widen for a moment, but then he glares up at the woman. "I have a little fighting spirit!" he shouts. Not much more than a little. But a little. Still prone, he kicks up towards the warrior, trying to give himself a little space, and hopefully getting himself out from beneath that gladius! Combat: Blurr misses Barkida with his Just A Kick (Kick) attack! "Some superduper speed might have helped there, eh Blurr old buddy? You're getting taken apart by a giant loinclothed alien woman, sheesh!" Backfire calls from the desk. Barkida goes to the ground on top of Blurr, trying to pin his thrashing legs out of the way and control him so that she can get him onto his face- if she can manage this, she should be able to stab him in the back without much fear of his counterattacks. Of course, it's easier tried than done. "Good! That is a start!" Combat: Barkida strikes Blurr with her Pankration attack! -3 Combat: Barkida's attack has strange and mysterious effects on Blurr. Combat: That attack has temporarily impaired Blurr's Agility. (Crippled) Blurr /glares/ at Backfire with his comment, distracting him long enough for Barkida to land on top of him and roll him over. He's stabbed in the back, but, though more motor relays are severed, he proves to be not completely helpless in this awkward position. "Hey hey hey, what are you doing!?" he shouts as he brings his elbow back, trying to bring it into Barkida and get the woman off his back. Combat: Blurr misses Barkida with his Get Off My Back Woman! (Punch) attack! "Booooooring! I want to see decapitations." Backfire heckles, resting back on the desk. In keeping with her plan, Barkida straddles Blurr, trying to keep her ankles on his arms to minimize the danger of his swinging elbows, and brings up her sword in a two-handed knife grip over his back. "Bringing this match to a quick end!" Combat: Barkida misses Blurr with her Death by Snu-Snu attack! Blurr survives the snu-snu! Although there really are worse ways to go... Since the elbows didn't work, he instead attempts to twist quickly enough and with enough force to throw Barkida from his back, probably painfully! "Normally, the faster it is the better I like it, but not like this!" he shouts. Combat: Blurr misses Barkida with his Buckin' Bronco (Kick) attack! "Jeez, can you guys miss anymore?? This is supposed to be for the glory, the accolades, the GOLD! Come on now, you're fighting like a bunch of.. well, goodguys." Backfire chides. Barkida tries to grab one of Blurr's lashing legs in her arms and pull it out of joint! If that can even work on Cybertronians. She's not very clear on how the machine-men actually operate. "I forsee an inevitable victory!" Combat: Barkida strikes Blurr with her Reverse Cowgirl attack! -3 "Ow ow ow ow ow!" Blurr protests as the Femaxian yanks on his leg. She doesn't manage to pull it out, but the move does damage his subspace access circuits, meaning he can't summon his... gun anymore. Oh, well. With the woman on his legs, he twists to his side, trying to kick her off of them. "Let's try to make it a little less vitable!" he shouts, obviously not thinking about how stupid he sounds. (On the up side, if he were his normal self, he'd have a lot more time to shout a lot more stupid stuff, so this is probably for the best.) Combat: Blurr strikes Barkida with his Vitable Victory (Kick) attack! "Yes, yes, yes.. that is more like it! If not for being insufferable ninnies, you two would make a decent pair of Decepticons!" Backfire chuckles, rising once again to get a better view of the two. Barkida finally tumbles off of Blurr as he manages to fling her, rolling to her feet and rising swiftly. She managed to keep ahold of her sword, which extends with a quiet ringing sound into a thirty foot long spear at some unspoken command. She thrusts this towards Blurr, hoping to jab him with the leaf-shaped point before he can recover his feet as well. Combat: Barkida strikes Blurr with her Pigsticker attack! -2 Blurr is stabbed with a thirty foot long spear, right through the the gut. He screams, and starts to look frightened. Wait. Just an Olympics fight. He can do this. Just an Olympics fight! To Backfire, he shouts, "There's no such thing as a decent Decepticon!" He doesn't scramble to his feet, instead transforming and driving right towards Barkida. Wait, aren't rams forbidden? But at the last moment he changes directions, trying to pass her and nudge her as he passes, a car-punch! Blurr transforms at a depressingly average speed into a hovercar. Combat: Blue Hovercar Blurr strikes Barkida with his Car Punch! (Punch) attack! Barkida was not expecting a car-punch. On her planet they don't even HAVE car-punches. Blurr's nudge hooks her greave, takes her off her feet and sends her sprawling, but she rolls over and jabs her spear at Blurr's rear end. She's aiming low, trying to blow out one of his tires if she can hit the small (and rotating) target solidly. Blue Hovercar Blurr has no tires. :( Combat: Barkida misses Blue Hovercar Blurr with her Lack of Tire Confusion attack! -3 They don't have hovering things on Barkida's planet either. "Pfffft, shows how much you know. Or how little you know, yeah. That's it." Backfire replies, as Blurr nudge-rams Barkida. "Hey, Wonder Woman.. it's a HOVER CAR!" Blue Hovercar Blurr is a hovercar, making it pretty easy for hmi to zoom right over the spear. He spins suddenly in a far tighter radius than a car with wheels could ever hope to accomplish and speeds back towards Barkida, transforming at the last moment and throwing himself at her in an attempt to tacker her to the ground. Blurr transforms at a depressingly average speed into robot mode. Combat: Blurr strikes Barkida with his Flying Tackle (Punch) attack! "How does it..." Barkida looks puzzled. She definitely poked where the wheels were supposed to be, but her opponent just went over it. The egg-monster was an easier fight, that's for sure. Her spear retracts, shortening and solidifying into the more usual short-sword form, and she thrusts it towards Blurr as he hurls himself bodily at her, smashing her to the ground! She hopes to have made a singularly uncomfortable bed for him! Combat: Barkida strikes Blurr with her Bed of Nails attack! -3 Combat: Blurr falls to the ground, unconscious. Blurr falls atop Barkida's short-sword, and atop Barkida. His optics open wide in shock, and then go dark as he slumps against her. Oh, well. There really are worse ways to go. "Ah, finally!" Backfire calls out, getting up from the edge of the desk and striding towards Barkida and Blurr in a heaped mess on the ground. "Not a Decepticon, but at least it wasn't an Autobot.. that's the best we could hope for! Winner is Barkida, and so goes the gold medal. Haha, that slow blue POS gets a sympathy silver I guess." Blurr is too unconcious to hear the gloating. Barkida rolls Blurr off of herself and stands up, sheathing her sword. She raises a fist to the crowd, particularly the biological part of the crowd. "Thank you! I dedicate this victory to my Queen, and to all the people who believed that sinew and heart could defeat a cold and..." She was going to say 'emotionless' here but that clearly wouldn't be accurate. "...blue machine." Blurr is totally blue. He's a very sad Blurr.